All she wanted.

A letter was handed to her that morning. Expecting nothing less, she frazzled the envelope and started running through the content, line by line. Reflecting the rocky roads over the past two years, it was a big piece of work.

Maybe everyone had similar results, moderate ratings and average feedback. Still, she believed she delivered with immense drops of sweat.

Neither the best chatter-box at workplace, nor fancy talker around popular shots, she was part of a team among other male colleagues. To score a voice in a boardroom and having others to take her seriously, it was like molding herself within ambiphilic persona. Imagine forefronting opinions in the most masculine way while restraining bursts of emotions inside, and accepting failures and embarrassment boldly no matter how difficult circumstances were. It was never a smooth ride in jumping on any casual conversation – It was just work conversation, nothing else. Came across as an uneventful person, she would be the last to know if there’re any new news.

Disappointed with her rating, she contacted both local and regional superiors, elucidating her stands. “When I first started, I haven’t been aiming for 3 out of 5. It was 5 out of 5 all along. I don’t mind an average, but 2 is a big disgrace. What did I not do?” Baffling and reasoning over explanations given again and again, it turned out that the rating was imposed by directors from above. Directors who have neither direct working relationships nor within control by both superiors. There was nothing she could do without an opportunity to meet them in person.




Not long, she requested for a transfer. She knew she had to move. Persistently she waited for weeks before being offered a chance to be considered on a different role. Conditionally of course, if she ever passes the five-stage interview process. It was a lengthy and tedious process. Without prejudice and expectation, she gave her very best having in mind that even if she fails, she could at least justify to herself.

Queer, anxiety, worries and all emotions that one could possibly think when chasing for the one thing ever wanted. Sleepless nights, imaginations of the possibles and impossibles, the best and the worst, thinking big yet small… the minutes to hours of waiting was horrendous as time passed. She studied, did her homework, rethink, and revised what she could have done better at every stage to whom she’s met. To impress with substance and to walk talks she’s committed were imperative.

She’s scored it.




After more than three years experiencing the new challenge, she was satisfied with all that she’s achieved and learned from those that she did not. It was another hard earned role.

Time was soon up to embark on another new journey, creating plan for succession.

A change for a change; a change that leads opportunities to many.

It’s time to move on.

It took a while for the management to decide on the next candidate in line for multiple opportunities, not because of the lengthy five-stage interview process she once had. All because those chosen candidates were not keen and had never asked. Weeks passed, there was no taker.

The ones who truly wanted were not given.

The ones who never did were flooded with praises.

It was once a trophy for it was an effort.

It is now worthless for it is a haggle.

Was calibre ever a part of the equation?

Was it a sign of undermining effort?

These questions didn’t matter. It was all she wanted that she’d travelled miles to cherish anyway. For her, it was a meaningful achievement. 

“Whatever comes to you in a cheap way will vanish in a cheap way. Be patient and earn it the hard way.” ― Israelmore Ayivor, Martin Luther King Jr. Thoughts



Photo by John Canelis 



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.